my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
the condom got lost in my hair
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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