God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
