I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
