Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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