unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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