its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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