I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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