I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
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You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
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Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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