I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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