how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
