Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
