just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
