i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
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