I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
