Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
