she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
