if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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