her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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