My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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