Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
