My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have tasted many bathrooms
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
