I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
