before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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