You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
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