she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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