I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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