dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
