Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My ass is underappreciated
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
