hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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