we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
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I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
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Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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