While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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