you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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