How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I have aggressive nipples.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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