Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
