I can text with my tongue
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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