I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
