I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
