Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
