Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
