All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I got inside last night via doggy door
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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