Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
