remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
