oh god the rape fog is back!
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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