Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
