No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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