I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
