Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
