i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
