how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
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The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
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My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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