I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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