Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
