Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
