Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
