It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
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