i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
