I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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