I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
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well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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