I am midnight drunk by noon
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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